The Delusion Illumination
by WeBuiltThePyramids
Summary: When another woman shows up in Leonard's life, Penny realizes that all these years she's been going about her relationship with him all wrong, and now what she's fooled herself into believing will never happen, has in fact happened. Minor 4.16 spoilers.


**The only spoilers in this fic are for 4.16 "The Cohabitation Formulation" that can be found in the promo photos and the promo that aired on CBS in the days leading up to tonight, the episode's airing. I do not know the details of the episode, but I feel that this fic is accurate based on what I have seen on television and based on the previous seasons. Enjoy!**

**DISCLAIMER: If I owned the show, Leonard/Penny would definitally be together and, quite frankly, engaged or married at this point. :)**

Leonard Hofstadter is hers.

She's known this for a very long time. Ever since the day they'd met, when he'd gone to face her ex – boyfriend without knowing anything about her, she'd known that. When it came to her, he was honest and genuine, and she never had reason to doubt his loyalty to their friendship; even as it was still blossoming, he was always there to make her laugh and fix her computer. The first year or so of their friendship, they both dated other people, but the two of them were always more open and honest with each other than with whomever they were dating. And although they were very happily friends, she always knew, in the back of her mind, that he would be there if she ever decided to advance their relationship to another level.

When they do have one date, after he took the initiative and asked her out and she figured yes, this was the right move, she's startled at her insecurity. She's quick to end the would – be relationship then, because it startled her, suggested that maybe he's not hers, she's not right for him; maybe there's someone out there that's pretty and smart and nerdier than she is. When this break off happens and he hardly dates anyone for a long time, choosing to spend his time with her, she can believe again. Leonard Hofstadter is hers.

When they almost sleep together their second winter as friends and he kills the mood, she's agitated the rest of the night. She wanted it, that much was fact, but a little part of her, deep down, is glad because it allows her to keep calling the shots. She said 'no' in the end, and that keeps him wanting and waiting. And he's still hers; still infatuated in a way that no man had been toward her ever before. It makes her feel special, and she likes that.

When he leaves her for three months, she realizes what an effect he has on her, even more so than she was able to grasp while he's around. She decides that she's ready, she's played around for two years and now it's time to announce to the world that he's hers, name it, because although she knows that she's first in his life the world won't accept it until they're a couple. When he returns, she kisses him, surprised even then how much she wants this but ready now, prepared. When he give her the snowflake, the gesture touches a place deep within her that no action had reached before. Suddenly, all of her other relationships feel shallow and meaningless, and she thinks to herself that now, more than ever, he is hers, and she in turn is more than ready to be his, too.

By the time he says "I love you" seven months later, she's grown accustomed to their relationship. It's easy and real and she's never been this happy. But now he's taken the reins, moved them forward and she's not used to this. She's unprepared, afraid, her past choking her and although she wants to breathe she can't, and she end the relationship because she knows of the chokehold and how it's holding her back and she doesn't want him to die in the tight grasp along with her. If they separate, they can survive, and when the past recedes and she moves forward, better prepared, they can come together again. He's not going anywhere. He loves her, after all.

When she goes back to him for a night following the disaster with Zack, he takes her in without any hesitation, still the genuine, loving guy she's always known. She's happy, though not surprised, that he's still hers. And when he gets over his anger within a few weeks and they ease back into friendship, she finds it easy, stress free. And that's the way she's always felt it should be. He was keeping his promise to give her time.

Amy and Bernadette challenge her months later, bringing up the possibility that another woman might pick up on how special Leonard is. Penny hasn't thought of that. He's nerdy, quirky, and socially awkward – she's never believed that anyone else could see past that to all of the wonderful things about it. She's always felt that her views on him were for her eyes only. She remembers that when he made her the promise to wait, they were an official couple – he was hers in the eyes of the world. As the girls look to her for an answer, she realizes that she's never been special, capable of doing and seeing things no one else could. She's common, and it's possible – very possible – that someone else could realize all those things about Leonard. But she does nothing, because he's hers and no one else has in fact realized just how special he is.

And then, someone does.

Priya, a sister of Raj, of all people, shows up and suddenly Leonard's dating her, holding her hand, sleeping with her, and Penny's thrown off. She's surprised that he'd go to someone and act so sweet with them, acting just as they had with her.

And suddenly, reality hits her.

Leonard Hofstadter is not hers. And he hasn't ever been, save for the seven months that they were together. She realizes she's been fooling herself from the start; he'd always liked her and she'd taken that knowledge and exploited it, thinking that no matter what she did, no matter how many times that she ran and hid, he'd always be across the hall, waiting for her to ready herself for the next step.

She realizes that she ended it the first time because she deep down wanted to preserve the delusion that he'd always be the one reaching for her, and that she could come and go as she pleased. She realizes that there were moments where she thought of him as a safety net, and moments when she lied to herself about her feelings because she never felt the need to take the leap and take a risk because she thought he'd always be there. Now she realizes that not doing anything about how she feels was a bigger risk than going for it.

She suddenly understands that when, on New Year's Eve, she'd looked at him for so long before denying the feelings for him that Zack was always bringing out that she wasn't staying silent for his sake, or because she wanted to stay in control of their situation – as she'd let herself believe because it was the only thing she ever had the upper hand in.

She realizes that she acted that way because she's still insecure, still unprepared for how he makes her feel, and she knew, if only subconsciously, the slumber party still fresh in her mind, that she didn't have control. At one point, at the beginning, she may have; he may have been wrapped around her little finger for years, but she abused that power and now it's gone. Now she can't pretend that he'll love her blindly; she'd done too much for him to not at least think of some of it when he looked at her. She realizes that she'd acted like a fool these past three years, and she's missed her chance. It may never return to give her another try, and despite her vows to do this right should a second chance arise, she knows that she'll probably screw it up because she seems to have found something she's good at: just that.

She's numb. She's spent the last three years fooling herself into believing she held a free pass to be used whenever she chose, regardless of how she behaved. She'd convinced herself that no matter what, he'd wait for her until she's ready.

Mere moments after the realization that he isn't hers gets into Penny's head, it is followed by a second one. Every week, every day, every _second_ that they weren't dating was a day that he was up for grabs. And now someone had taken that chance, leapt through the window of opportunity that Penny had opened.

Leonard had given her plenty of chances. And that was what hurt most of all. Penny has denied a lot of things in her life, but the one thing she can't burns into her mind so painfully that she is sure the scorch marks will be visible for all eternity.

It is, after all, her fault that they aren't together now. And it is, in fact her fault that he's not constantly at her side as a friend, even though she knows he still cares. She's pushed him away too many times.

She feels like she's served him to Priya on a silver platter.


End file.
